Sliding into the sixties, I remind myself that this time of entering my elder years will be what I will make it. More than anything, I hope that thoughtful consideration and awareness of choice will guide my movement. And so, consideration about sex should be absolutely the same as for any other part of my life — intentional, fun and rewarding.
The Internet abounds with articles about sex for seniors, sex for the mature — as if we are a species needing guidance or worse, hesitant students lined up for instruction from our more virile teachers. Helpful perhaps, but they don’t inspire me. If you’d like information about sex in the second half of life though — here are some sites to consider. http://seniorliving.about.com/od/sexromance/ss/6step_seniorsex.htm http://aginggrandparents.suite101.com/article.cfm/sex_and_the_senior_citizen___you_ http://seniorjournal.com/NEWS/Sex/2009/20090318-ContraryToWidelyHeld.htm
At best, they sound like prescriptions for the limited. Hmmm. We are seen as limited and constrained by the youthful who become experts in this world of natural behavior. I hope humility softens their fall when they reach the age of 70 and recognize that many of the limitations originated in their perceptions of all of us. Until then, it will be up to us to challenge or ignore the condescending attitudes about us and our sexual selves.
We are entering a time where the generation gap will be experienced within the community of elders. Common are assumptions that the elder of the elders, culturally and sexually speaking, may be more conservative than the younger of the elders. It may be true, but it isn’t true in all cases for either side. The response is to step strongly past the stereotypes and try to connect with what is important and good for you. And of course, to just as strongly, let what is true and important for our sisters in the elder community to also be true.
It seems to me, that if the title or introduction to an article includes the word “surprising” that we should all be a little cautious. Happy, titillating sex for any of us need not be surprising. For many of us though, it will be a surprise because we too, have been conditioned to believe that suddenly, as the years roll by, we will lose that very primary energy. Say it isn’t so for you …. it doesn’t have to be for any of us.
Interestingly — some dictionaries define the antonym (the opposite) of sensual as spiritual. I am so happy to object….sensual may be the place where spirit connects for you and it often is for me. How lovely to honor our bodies and spirits in that way. And what better time, than now in our years of wisdom, to challenge the concept that sex is the lesser and the lower and spirit the elevated. Shame-based sex – not so fun. Buy into that if you like, but for me, no way.
I defined myself one way, sexually speaking, earlier in my life. Not much of a definition and for me, not much joy. Tasks, practicalities and the needs of others ruled. Hopefully that has not been the case for you, dear reader, nor has it remained so for me. Today I would say (granted it would need to be a good day for such positiveness to flow) that I am strong, sensual, sparkly, stunningly (to myself anyway) satisfied with the sexual part of my life. How do you define your sexual self…………is it a definition that delights you, that is as you wish it to be?
Many of the articles on “senior sex” (a term that is beginning to gag me) talk about more focus on activities that are not entirely orgasm related. Less focus on the end result. In other words, those might be instructions to lighten up on the traditional male model of sex — foreplay as necessary to achieve orgasm, with encouragement to move toward more sensual, more sensitive, more holistic pleasure. To take one’s total self and total body into the moment. This is not an accommodation to advanced age at all, but a form of sexual evolving — a way to enjoy and appreciate hearts and bodies that has not always been present for many. Is there an age that this wouldn’t be the wisest of advice?
Ask yourself, as I did, what do I want out of sex now? At a minimum let’s make it about choice. Choice of when, where, how, and maybe what. Depending on your lifestyle, maybe who. Choice of fun or obligation. Choice of romantic or not. Maybe fantasy can play out. Have you nurtured a fantasy for years? If it is a safe fantasy, write about it, draw it and then step into making it happen. If it is a little step at a time, so be it. Would you like more fantasies? Cerebral sex, so to speak. Literature awaits you.
Check out http://www.babeland.com, where lots of “tools” may help guide your fantasies, new and old. Shoot them an email and maybe they’ll add a tab — senior sex toys. What that would mean, I’m not at all sure, but it would be fun for our sexualness to be more visible.
Are you sexually happy? Then build on it. Evaluate what has worked and what hasn’t. If you want more than anything else to be done with sex then give yourself that permission with pride and acceptance. And see how it goes. Don’t take for granted that you need to escape it permanently, but take a break, a good long break if that is what speaks to you and then re-evaluate.
If you don’t want to be sexually inactive but you are simply unable to get there (solo or partner wise), create a to do list. Talk to a supportive doctor about hormones, thyroid and other medical conditions that can zap the urges. Talk to a good therapist about depression. And wonder very strongly, perhaps with that good therapist, if your partner’s behavior is short circuiting the flow of expectations or if her/his sexual style is a turn off.
The information that is as true for a 20 year old as for any of us: get to know your body. What does it like? Interview it. Really. What makes you (addressed to your body, to your legs, to your arms and yes, to your more sexual areas) feel good, feel loved, feel excited, feel happy? What is missing? Play with what you discover — it might be surprising and it might lead you to new feelings of goodness.
Maybe you need massage, warm baths, soft-soft sheets to even open the subject of what you need or want. Maybe you need help to find the words about what you want. It is all a gift for the taking, so help yourself with gentle permission to let your body’s needs guide the way.
If you are curious and motivated but not so comfortable with all of this, try a book or two about solo sex –
Or , a classic
A fact of anatomy and physiology, we are all sexual creatures. Luxuriate in your sexual energy — bring fragrance, music, color, fabric to that time. Sweet peas or lilacs? Velvet or silk? Grass softly blowing in the breeze or the tunes of music the make you feel like loving? Surround yourself with the colors of your heart, the colors that inspire you. Your sexual energy entwines with your heart and spirit — let it grow happily into the times of saging.
Fly screamingly into the sixties, seventies and beyond and let the researchers deliberate about us all they like. Let your actions show love for your body, heart and soul. Celebrate your sexual self.